Happy Early Birthday

“They tried it, they went for it, all year and you’re still here, just ignore it. If it ain’t the real thing, you don’t want it”

– Drake

November 5, 2019

365 days have gone by and sometimes it feels like a blur yet at other times, there is so much clarity and crispness. Well before I tell you what I’ve learned, let me tell you where I’m coming from…

This time last year, I was sad, depressed, broken and pregnant. I was in the middle of a toxic and abusive relationship and was literally holding it all together with a thin ass piece of string. My finances were in shambles, my body was in shambles and my life was in shambles, yet no one knew. I was struggling and in pain, yet I continued to show up in the world, pretended that I was ok, but I was not, I was NOT FUCKING OKAY.

I realize now that I was lying wholeheartedly to myself because I did not want to face some hard truths about myself.  I did not want to acknowledge the shit show that was my life and my choices, because then I would have to take responsibility for my contribution to the show. Ummm yeah no…. I wasn’t ready to do that.

So I’m two days away from my 34^th birthday and sitting in an abortion clinic, to get rid of a choice that I made that was counter productive to my survival. Now the baby wasn’t the problem, nope babies are a blessing, but it was the circumstances that surrounded my life that were the problem. I KNEW that I couldn’t bring another child into this world, into my physically abusive, financially struggling, no self accountability taking world. Like come on… let’s be realistic.

Anyways, as I wait in the clinic for my name to be called, I had a chance to really think about some deep stuff, I would have been scrolling Instagram but my data was cut off, so I guess it’s just gonna be me and my thoughts (it’s funny how life will get you to pay attention by any means necessary LOL).  As I am reflecting on the state of my life and how I even landed myself in this predicament, it crosses my minds’ eye that I had been minimizing myself and shrinking myself to fit in spaces that were no longer serving me. I knew that I wanted to take my coaching business more seriously, I knew that I wanted to start writing more, I knew that I wanted to be more intentional with how I was parenting my 8 year old and I knew that my relationship was over. You ever have a moment when everything starts adding up and finally 2+2=4 and then you are faced with making a decision. It’s that pivotal moment when your entire existence is screaming at you to DO something! I would like to say that on that day when I experienced that feeling, when I experienced the urge to move, that I did, but we’re both gonna keep it 100 here… I did nothing.  

I completed the procedure, I lied to the nurse that my ride was downstairs to drive me home (I drove myself and wasn’t supposed to be operating a motor vehicle due to the medication they had given me) and went to pick up my son from after school care. I did nothing, because I was too scared to do SOMETHING. Putting action to a plan would require me to be uncomfortable, would require me to do something that I hadn’t really done for myself before. I would have to actually love myself and recognize all the ways that I wasn’t loving myself. Wait what? I didn’t love myself. I don’t love myself. Nah that’s not true, that’s crazy, of course I do, look at how strong I am, and how motivated I am, I mean I think very highly of myself. Don’t I? Well I think I do…

This conversation I was participating in with myself was very confusing for me and that made it uncomfortable, so I avoided it and went right back to pretending all was well in the neighbourhood. In doing nothing, I was actually doing something, I was making the decision to not show myself love. I was choosing to remain in “comfort”.

Let’s quickly unpack the ways we remain in comfort:

1. By staying in dead end relationships, jobs, friendships and interactions that we know aren’t propelling us to a better version of ourselves.
2. Not creating, enforcing and maintaining boundaries with the people in our lives
3. Actively denying our feelings and emotions for what’s more suitable or pleasing to others
4. Overextending ourselves to point of physical, mental, sexual and spiritual exhaustion
5. Discounting the ways our body has manifested our pain, hurt and stress… (“it’s just a cold, or “I always have heavy periods” to name a few)

There are more ways, but I think you get the gist.

Alright back to the lecture at hand, so we’ve established that I wasn’t loving myself and we’ve also established that I was afraid to make a change, I didn’t want to rock the boat so to speak. I was pacifying myself to stay in shallow waters, I didn’t want to go out too deep, out in the deep was where stuff could get bumpy and unsettled. I needed to stay where I was “in comfort”. Let me know if you’ve ever experienced this, or maybe you’re in the thick of it right now, believe me it gets worse before it gets better. (Thought I had something inspirational for you didn’t ya? Nope.)

Understand this it is ALWAYS darkest before the dawn, the series of events that happened in the next 3 months were very likely the absolute worst time of my life. I’m talking about fearing for my life, leaving my job, looking for a new home in the middle of winter and having my car stolen and vandalized. Yet now I realized that those experiences were meant to strip me naked of all the bs, they were meant to make me face the harsh realities of my choices, they were meant to make me uncomfortable AF.

I could no longer live in oblivion, I could no longer continue to mistreat myself and I had to look at why I had felt so undeserving of unconditional love and respect. I came to the conclusion, that since not loving myself had landed me in the mess, then I better start loving on myself with a vengeance because this shit wasn’t it.

I began unpeeling the layers and really dissecting my inner stories, I started analyzing the relationships I had with others and how the relationships truly made me feel. “Could I be myself? Or was I living up to a standard and ideal that was set by the people around me” Do you know how hard it is to set healthy boundaries? Why does nobody talk about that?? I took sex off the table (and that’s saying A LOT for me) but I wanted to connect more deeply with myself and others in a way that was transformative and pure. No more half stepping, ya know. Ask yourself, how you feel after an interaction with someone close to you? Are you drained or does that person metaphorically fill your cup?” In the last 365 days, I have had to get real honest with myself and Sis…. There will be some people, situations, ideas and things you will have to release from your life. The gag is…. You gain yourself.

When I woke up today November 5th 2020, the feelings that I was filled with were joy, peace and gratitude. Those feelings can feel foreign when all you are used to is conflict. Internal conflict. External conflict. So much can happen in a year, in 6 months, in one month… just don’t get caught up in the timeline of healing and just heal. Start a checklist of what you need to heal from and get started. Life is waiting for you, the world is waiting for you, YOU are waiting for you. Get real with yourself and how you show up in the world, ask yourself “what are you afraid of?”, “are you journeying through life “in comfort?”, “do you truly love yourself?”

 As I opened my eyes this morning I immediately thought back to this day last year and took a deep breath and felt the warmth of love coursing through me. That love wasn’t present last year. It feels so good to feel it and I am not ashamed to say it.  

Love Thy Yoni

“When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily”

– Gautama Buddha

I love my Yoni

I am in love with my Yoni

I treat my Yoni with respect

I care for my Yoni

Only the best for my Yoni

It has been a process and journey to reach the place where I can confidently say that I know and understand my Yoni like never before. Like a lot of women, it took trauma and mismanagement for me to start taking my Yoni health seriously. I suffered with pH imbalances, vaginal pain and discomfort, BV (bacterial vaginosis) and STI’s (sexually transmitted infections) throughout different times in my life and finally decided to stop the fuckery and take care of my vagina. I realized that I wasn’t making my vaginal health a priority and if I didn’t, then who would??

I’ve always made sure I had my regular doctor checkups and pap smears, but I wasn’t doing anything proactive to make things better, I just kinda resigned that all women have issues with their Yoni, and I wasn’t an exception. But about 3 years ago, I suffered from a UTI (urinary tract infection) which with my negligence I let progress into a kidney infection and in the middle of heat wave in August, I had a fever of 107, was in the most excruciating pain I have never felt (including childbirth) and when I walked into the hospital wearing layers of clothing AND a hoodie, I had the nurse ask me how in the world I was still standing (much less walking) and that I should have passed out from the severe infection and dangerously high fever .To be honest, I probably wouldn’t even have gone to the hospital that day, if weren’t for my family forcing me and the look of fear on my child’s face as he witnessed me in such debilitating pain. After the IV’s and then eventually being discharged, it took me over a week to recover, to finally feel like myself again.

I then made a conscious decision to get to know my body and my Yoni intimately and with intention. I started taking note of any changes in my vaginal discharge, subtleties in scent, taste and feel, and the sensations I experienced during sexual intercourse. I started listening to my Yoni and how she responded to different external sources such as soaps, the fabrics of my underwear, sperm, my intake of water and the type of pads I used. I was finally learning to love my Yoni and treat her with respect and adoration.

As I go down this path of Yoni discovery and self love, I encourage others to do the same. Too many of us suffer in silence, because we are ashamed and scared to begin to have these difficult conversations about vaginal health with our mothers, our sisters, our friends… You DON’T have to endure through pain, shame and discomfort. You CAN get rid of BV and pH imbalances naturally. You CAN feel confident about your Yoni inside and out. So many women are worried and concerned about the tightness and feel of their Yonis (much for the benefit of their partners) but if she isn’t healthy, all that doesn’t even matter.  Your Yoni is very much like a beautiful blossoming flower, when you water it and get rid of all the dead leaves and provide it with some TLC, that flower blooms and reaches its fullest peak and its entire glorious splendour. Nurture and love your Yoni (flower).  A healthy Yoni is a happy Yoni.

 

 

Queen Of The Pack

You can do it, put your back into it..

– Ice Cube

It’s time to take control, take charge, and snatch his soul Honey! I believe that it’s a powerful thing to own your sexual prowess and truly embrace your sexual strength. Every woman has sexual strengths that can be harnessed and further developed to help her achieve the greatest climatic experience. I am going to break down some of the most common sexual positions and highlight some helpful tips that can take your sex game up a few notches…

Missionary – Man On Top

•  As your partner penetrates your Yoni, wrap your legs around their ankles for additional stability and move your hips and butt in tandem with his strokes.
• Using your arms to hold up your legs, spread them wide and bring them closer to your face to create a deeper penetrative stroke.
• Introduce a small vibrator to stimulate the clitoris such as a bullet vibe or penis ring to create additional pleasure and sensation.
• Add a pillow or cushion under your butt for deeper penetration, this position creates a more shallow vaginal canal, increasing stimulation of the nerve endings near the opening of the Yoni.

Cowgirl Position – Woman On Top

• If facing forward, lean back, holding on to your partners thighs as stabilizers to move your hips in circular motions, up and down and all around.
• Place hands on your partner’s chest, lean in closer to their chest and roll your hips to create greater friction and contact with your clitoris.
• Imagine your favourite sexy time song and move your body to the rhythm and beat of that song. (Or just play that song and dance along to it, while maintaining contact with the penis)
• Caress your breasts, neck, hip, face (pretty much everywhere) tease and lick your nipples and use your fingers or a small vibrator to stimulate the clitoris.
• If facing backward (reverse cowgirl), having your partner sit upright on a couch, chair or the edge of the bed, can allow you to have a greater range of movement. (Putting your feet firmly on the floor can help with stability and fatigue)

Doggy Style – Man Behind Woman

• Arch your back, (and then arch it some more) bring your upper body as close to the bed as possible and raise your lower body to meet each stroke. (Face down, Ass up)
• Rub your clitoris in a circular motion for added pleasure and stimulation.
• Use your hands to spread your butt checks apart, stimulating all the nerve endings near the vaginal opening and the anus.
• Reach between your partners legs to gently pull, rub or stroke your partners testicles.
• Lying flat on your stomach, with your legs closer together, creates a more tighter vaginal opening and a more shallow (shorter) vaginal canal.

In any position, you can take control and be a very active participant to the sexual experience. There is more than enough pleasure within a sexual encounter for both parties to leave satisfied and happy, but you gotta put in some work too Ladies. Your pleasure is your responsibility, take pride in your sexual strengths and always strive to do better than the last time. I prioritize my pleasure and take the time to understand what I like, what feels good and how I can improve to be a more fierce and fabulous lover. Listen ladies… Ice Cube ain’t never lied.. YOU can do it… just put your back into it.

All The Good Feels

   “I need to be touched, I need to find an unselfish lover. A lover with an open mind. I deserve to find a pleasure that surpasses my imagination” – Excerpt from “Pleasure” by Eric Jerome Dickey

Oooooh…..mmmmm….yessssss…. pleasure can be so delicious, amazing and sometimes elusive. Everyone perceives pleasure in different ways and the way you receive and give pleasure varies from partner to partner. So I’ve got something for ya… Take notes!

Sexual attraction starts in the mind, so it’s imperative to create an atmosphere of honesty, openness and vulnerability first and foremost. Communicating about your desires, needs and fantasies are an important step to bridging the pleasure gap that sometimes can exist between partners. I know it can be nerve wrecking to bring up some topics that may make us uncomfortable, but it can be helpful to write it down initially. Writing your lover a letter or love note, sending an explicit text message or email, can open the flood gates of communication.

Compliments go a looong way. It has been said that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and I really try to live by that mantra in all my relationships. Let your partner know that they are attractive to you, that they turn you on and get your juices flowing. I believe that each of us are looking for some level of affirmation from the ones closest to us. I mean… I know I look good, but it’s always nice to hear it from my partner.

Establish non-sexual ways to increase intimacy such as eye contact and gazing, hand holding, words of affirmation or acts of service within the relationship. At times it could be a look that your lover gives you and that lets you know what they are thinking about doing to you… so many words can be transmitted without making a sound.

Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. It’s so good, I had to say it twice and once for those in the back… It is has been scientifically proven that women need at least 20 mins of foreplay to be wet and ready for penetrative sex, so what’s the rush? My advise is to go slow and take your time. Go slow and then go slower than that… The anticipation is everything baby… Kiss, lick, suck, blow, stroke, and caress everywhere and savour each moment. Really feel the sensations of your lovers fingertips as they graze your back and then as they grip your ass, exhale and concentrate on each breath as they become more shallow and slowly deepen. Don’t rush the good stuff, because it only gets better from here…

Becoming an intuitive lover takes patience, understanding, imagination and awareness. Give and receive grace and patience with your lover, learn your partners’ body and understand what they like and dislike. Alternatively allow your partner the space to learn and discover your body and what it likes and dislikes. It can be helpful to think outside the box when envisioning scenarios and fantasies where your partner and yourself would be together. Enlisting erotica, romantic movies and porn to help provide the vocabulary to further express your desires. Most importantly, be present, be in the moment and allow all the good feels to wash over, in, and through you.

 

 

 

Make Love To My Mind

   “Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.” – Deepak Chopra 

Anticipation is everything! Mental stimulation is so very important to the overall sexual experience and a great way to keep the fires burning. The brain is the body’s entry point for sexual response and desire, and everyone is stimulated differently, but it starts in the brain first. If we see an attractive person, our eyes send a message to our brains, which communicates a favourable response, which in turn fires off indicators of sexual and romantic desire. When a woman feels desired, safe and supported, that can open her floodgates of sensuality and warrant for more openness and liberation in her sexuality. I love a play-by-play detailed description of what you want to do to me and how my body makes you feel…. Explain how much my sexiness sets you on fire, let me feel that you are thirsty for my nectar.

Most couples report that some type of sexual and romantic communication throughout their day help to foster a greater connection and bond, allowing them to be more open and honest with desires and fantasies. The best sex is always with someone who you have an intense connection with, and that connection is created in the mind first. Send a naughty text, leave a love note in their lunch bag, shoot a quick clip of your most sensual sides… it’s an amazing feeling to want and to be wanted. Creating a space to be open and candid about your fears, needs and desires will manifest a strong bond, thus leaving a woman the opportunity to release any hurts and traumas.

Our yonis are like beautiful delicate flowers, when cared for and cherished, they will bloom and blossom, but when left neglected and shamed, our yonis wither and cower. The Yoni is the epic centre for our life source, and is so connected to our mind and feelings. When a woman is mentally stimulated, her yoni usually follows.

Had a guy recently remind me that men are optically stimulated (as a clever way of asking for nudes lol…) but it got me thinking about how and what stimulates women. A majority of women need to be first stimulated through affirmations, adoration and understanding. I think the sexiest thing man can do… is to allow me the space to be heard. It’s a special kind of vulnerability to really hear and understand a woman and that a surefire way to get the river of sensuality flowing. We all crave a deeper connection, so we can explore the depths of our sexuality. Stroke her mind before you stroke her body…believe me the possibilities are endless.

The Journey Begins

 

Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise? That I dance like I’ve got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs? – Maya Angelou

    Loving yourself authentically is often difficult because you will have to face some powerful and perhaps frightening truths about yourself. The traumas and hurt you have been carrying and dragging can seem daunting to deal with. The journey to self awareness and a deep introspective thought process is an exciting whirlwind of emotions and can be so very rewarding. As women, it can be a battle to honour ourselves, while seemingly having to honour everyone else. How do we balance the two? How can we love ourselves organically without feeling selfish or even worse to be shamed for standing our light and prowess as a supreme female being? My advice would be to release the pain and forgive yourself first, honestly and truly forgive YOURSELF FIRST. We are all flawed and imperfect human beings who have the capacity to hurt and be hurt, to love and be loved. Let it go Sis… breathe… cry…scream.. but let it go… *deep sigh*

   By no mistake, we were given the centre of life.. the essence of our being.. the Yoni. This magnificent wonder that can bring forth life, and harness tremendous amounts of pleasure, if we get in touch with her (literally and figuratively).

I used to have a love/hate relationship with my yoni, I love that I am able to derive so much pleasure from my yoni, but I hated the fact that I felt it at times controlled my decisions in relationships, love and self worth. But I now realize, that it was a lack of self development and self awareness that had me making all sorts of negative choices. I believe that society teaches women to sacrifice our sexuality or that we should leave our sexual satisfaction on the back burner. My sexual “worth” was and is to be determined by how satisfied my man was… If he’s happy in the bedroom, then that’s all we should be concerned about…. I say Eff that! My yoni is special, sacred and fucking amazing, and if a man has the opportunity to be close to her, then he better be thankful for that blessing.

Through it all, we do have an innate strength and resilience to overcome all of life’s challenges and obstacles. We have the power to reign supreme and control our own destinies and sexuality. Never forget YOU are a diamond and you have diamonds at the meeting of your thighs.